“My man is a very nice person, but the way he thinks is a problem. He sees every lady that is fashionable in a very bad way, but he cannot allow me to rest as he keeps complaining all the time I wear trousers, that he does not like women who put on trousers. I have on many occasions asked him, what the problem is that he does not like trousers on a woman, but he has not been able to give me any concrete reason. When I wear jeans, he will complain that it shows my entire contour, but the surprising thing is that when he sees other girls or ladies who dress up in the same way, he will look at them in an impressive manner, when I complain about his attitude of looking at those girls he would always say I am jealous. He always wants me to be putting on things like skirt and blouses, which I am not used to. I am a social type of person and when he sees anybody, whether male or female greet me he would always want to know the type of relationship I have with such people, especially the men. While for the female ones, his complaint is that they would lead me astray. I really do not understand him sometimes. Sometimes I feel like leaving him and going my own way, because I cannot keep tolerating his habits the way he is now. For instance, I have the ambition to become someone in life, but he always thinks that the woman’s place is at home, in fact in the kitchen precisely. He just wants me to remain a housewife. He is a graduate who is managing her own business. He has that attitude of insulting working women, calling them names, describing any woman that goes to work for another man and answers him ‘ sir’ as not being worthy to be called a person’s wife. Most of the time, I try to control the anger that builds up in me, especial whenever he makes such nasty comments. What is the essence of his being educated if he is still myopic in the way he thinks? Is just like somebody who passed through a higher institution without letting the institution to pass through him. Really it drives me mad and several times I keep asking myself, why I am still with him. Each day that passes I get that impression that we may not continue this relationship after all, because we are just a mismatch in all aspects of life. I have my own ambition in life and I will not like an educated illiterate to spoil my life in the name of marriage. In fact with what is happening now, I have come to realize that indeed the background one comes from, the exposure in life and ones orientation as an individual, affects his or her future in life. Those that have the opinion that nature and nurture matter so much in a relationship are very correct. No matter the way you try to bathe a pig, it must still remain a pig and nothing will change that. Somebody who is reared from the gutter will always remain so and will still have the attitude of someone who is bad in that way, even if that person attends the best university in the world, but I know that by divine intervention such a person can also change, but I doubt if my man can turn to become someone better”
What the above complains amounted to, are problems in a relationship, in fact, very serious ones, which really need a good marriage counselor to intervene. In any disturbed marriage of such magnitudes, the advice is for the couples concerned to sit down honestly and iron out these problems. What is actually needed is adjustment from each of the partners, so that they can be able to accommodate each other. There is no problem that cannot be resolved if there is sincerity of purpose.
If you go through some of the problems or habits narrated, you will find out that some were even present before the actual marriage. That is why people are always asked or advised to try as much as possible to harmonize most of these issues during courtship, so that during the actual marriage nothing of that type should be distracting them from fulfilling their marriage obligations
It is just unfortunate that some wait for the marriage proper before even trying to study each other. It is usually too late a time to start that kind of thing. But once the marriage thing has happened, everyone must try as much as possible to resolve any problem without allowing it to escalate.
AMBROSE NWAOPARA IS A PROLIFIC WRITER AND AUTHOR OF MANY BOOKS